i think i have two assholes
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
