Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
