Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
