when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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