i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
