I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have feelings that need drinking.
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I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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