i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Panties = found
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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