I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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