i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
