i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
