I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
