Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
