these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
