3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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