A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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