life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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