I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
