We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
