if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
