my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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