i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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