What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
