I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
