I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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