I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You took a bar mat shot.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
