someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
