why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
