True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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