I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
