I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
