party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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