You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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