she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
