please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
