Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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