I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
