Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
