Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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