Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
