I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
