the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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