Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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