I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
