Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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