just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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