I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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