Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
