the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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