that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
