drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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