Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
