there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
