Barsexuality is the new black.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
