I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
