textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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