I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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