can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
