I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Green mimosas i think yes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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