omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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